| | Has anyone ever felt real unhappiness? And I don't mean just disappointed that you didn't get into a certain school or something. The real hurt. Wondering why you wake up in the morning. This is the unhappiness that makes you feel like you never need to take a shower again. You don't have to brush your teeth. Oh it's a debilitating unhappiness. You don't want to eat anything. You don't want to watch TV or listen to music. You don't want to talk to anyone, and you don't want to go anywhere. You don't want to find out what to do next, because you don't care. This unhappiness that goes well beyond sadness. It even goes beyond depression. It's not a phase, it's a perpetual state of misery. You could exercise, but what's the point? You could go for a walk, but what good will that do? It's not even laziness, because you can remember what it's like to accomplish things, but when you're really unhappy you don't really feel the need to try anymore. When you're unhappy, the logical conclusion is giving up. Why would you go on if you're unhappy? Logically, you shouldn't. When you're happy, that's when life should continue.
For the first time in my life, I can say that I'm unhappy. I am confused, hurt, sad and frustrated. The only joy in my life is Jaclyn, and if it weren't for her I have no idea what I might be feeling right now. Jeez. At least I'm not lonely. I mean, loneliness would be my grim reaper right now.
But this is what it feels like. It feels like I'm an adult, I guess. I don't want anyone's sympathy and I don't want anything at all. I just want to find a dish of mold and have a staring contest.
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| | Posted 2/10/2009 8:28 PM - 15 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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